New Year, Knew Me

A few days ago while stumbling around on Instagram I discovered a profile called Create The Love. At first I just stole a quote but something told me to bookmark the page, so I did. Later that night I couldn’t sleep and I clicked back on the page to learn that the Creator is Mark Groves, a therapist and motivational speaker who's known for his no nonsense relationship advice -- he was recently in the press because Ant Anstead (soon to be ex husband to Christina Anstead of Flip or Flop fame) had taken his Breakup Course. He had some videos posted so I clicked on one... 34 minutes... wow that’s a commitment, but I pressed play and was immediately captivated. He was talking about how to effectively communicate your emotions to your partner.

Earlier that day, I had gotten into a pretty big argument with my boyfriend... it wasn’t the kind of fight that seemed like it might blow over. It was one that seemed like it might be a defining moment in our relationship, why? Because I grew up in an environment where it wasn’t safe to effectively communicate how I feel.

Throughout his presentation I clung to every word, he was describing how our past traumas define the way we communicate and interact with the people we care about. He empowered me to look inside myself and to identify the survival strategies I use to cope and what past traumas trigger my response. I learned that I am a "bottler," when I feel let down I hold everything inside until I am so hurt and/or disappointed that I explode. I know exactly why I do this... I was let down constantly by my father as a child. He would disappoint me and I would listen to him tell me he was sorry and promise to make it up to me, only those promises were empty too... so when he'd finally let me down in a big way I would unload all my hurt and anger because it was the only way I could get him to understand the emotional anguish I was in... the problem is, I have carried that into my adult relationships. When I sit back and am completely honest with myself, I am able to recognize that a lot of my emotions are dictated by that emotional trauma and fear. I am so afraid of being let down that I let myself down by self sabotaging out of anticipation for the worst.

At the end of his video he told the participants that he is hosting a 30 day course to help you get in touch with yourself to make a total life change, I really wanted to sign up however it was $249 and with being furloughed from Covid, that was just out of the question... (I do plan to do the class at a later date when we are more financially stable), but he made mention that he has an App in collaboration with several other therapists called Mine'd. I downloaded the app and decided that I was going to create my own little regime with the hope of changing my mindset and finding peace within myself -- which is like numero uno on my "resolutions" list.

I start everyday with taking my vitamins and watching one of the videos on the app while I drink my coffee. After coffee, I do 25 sit up and 25 squats and then I make sure that everyday even if I'm sitting at home I get dressed -- Covid isolation has made my depression and PTSD almost unmanageable at times and it makes you feel so much better about yourself when you aren't sitting around in pajamas all day. In the afternoons I go for a 25 minute walk around our neighborhood and try to drink at least 4 bottles of water a day. I also bought an intentions journal -- it has a place for you to set your intentions for the day/week and then a place for you reflect on them.

So far, I am feeling a lot better mentally, getting up, being active and setting my intentions for the day has helped to put me in me positive mental attitude. Did you set any resolutions this year? How are you dealing with Covid isolation and how do you maintain your PMA? Let me know in the comments.